The Los Angeles Scotch Club

A Whiskied Christmas - by the LA Scotch Club Seasonal Songs for the UnSober Grandma Got Drunk Over By a Reindeer
Grandma got drunk over by a reindeer At our fast food feast on Christmas Eve Santa Clause was heavy on the bottle Drinking up some Oban, we believe She'd been drinking too much whisky Snuck it into KFC She said chicken ain't worth lickin' Unless she has some Ardbeg on her wings Said that she was leavin' Grandpa For a man who liked to dram He was going to pick her up there And as for Grandpa, she won't give a damn Grandma got drunk over by a reindeer At our fast food feast on Christmas Eve Santa Clause was heavy on the bottle Drinking up Glenfarclas, we believe Well she'd been more happy lately Going out and having fun Met a man who's fun and jolly Plus a pilot and a toymaker in one	She would leave with fine scotch bottles Come back passed out on the grass Her hair was full of cookie crumbles And charcoal fingerprints upon her ass Grandma got drunk over by a reindeer At our fast food feast on Christmas Eve Santa Clause was heavy on the bottle Drinking up Macallan, we believe We'd been getting angry phone calls From some bitch called Mrs. Clause Askin' for that boozin' floozy Sayin' that she'd shoot Grandma with just cause Grandma flew off with ol' Santa Said they'd drink all Christmas Day But they crashed into a mountain It's hard to drink a fifth and fly a sleigh Grandma got drunk over by a reindeer At our fast food feast on Christmas Eve Santa Clause was heavy on the bottle Drinking up some Bowmore, we believe
Santa Clause is Chugging them Down
Hide all of your scotch On Christmas Eve night Cause if you don't watch Or lock 'em up tight Santa Clause will chug 'em all down He's made a long list Of whisky you've bought He'll break in your house And never get caught Santa Clause will chug 'em all down He's drinking down your chimney He's drinking while you snooze He'll leave your kid some plastic crap But he'll make off with your booze Oh you'd better watch out Or they will be found Hide your best malts In holes underground Santa Clause will chug 'em all down Santa Clause is chugging them down
Scotch Club Bells
Dashing through the flow In the rush hour 405 Scotch Club has begun But I've yet to arrive The freeway is a mess But I don't give a damn I'll swerve and park and with my scotch I'll start to freeway dram <Chorus> A great idea has sprung I've got one last resort I grab my favorite malts And sprint to the airport The screener throws a fit Then as the people watch He pulls a pair of boozy flasks from both sides of my crotch <Chorus> Now Santa is in line His bag was being eyed I give the man a dram And ask him for a ride He lifts his big red cap We hide scotch in his hair So TSA can grab my ass and kiss it while they're there. <Chorus> We're drinking in the air And Santa starts to sway We spot the Scotch Club signs And crash the stinkin' sleigh The party's going wild And Santa gives a wink Cause jingle bells can go to hell when Scotch Club starts to drink		<Chorus> Scotchy Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Drinking it all day Old and neat and full of peat It keeps me warm all day Scotchy Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Screw the horse and sleigh No need to think, just stop and drink The LA Scotch Club way <Chorus> Scotchy Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Drinking it all day Old and neat and full of peat It keeps me warm all day Scotchy Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Screw the horse and sleigh No need to think, just stop and drink The LA Scotch Club way

Booze Christmas
I'll have a booze Christmas for certain Yet when the liver starts a' hurtin' I'll still have one more scotch, one more dram, one more drink Won't mean so much, dear, with BAC on the brink And when the bottles are depleted And every scotch drop is defeated I'll just go buy some more, at the best whisky store Oh I'll have a booze, booze booze booze Christmas I'll have a booze Christmas, I'm thinkin' But it's not just Christians a' drinkin' Rabbi Dave's in a haze, eight bottles, in eight days! Oh he'll have a booze, booze booze booze Christmas We'll all have a booze, booze booze booze Christmas
Boozy the Snowman
Boozy the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul, With a big white ass and a whisky glass, he was on his third parole Boozy the Snowman, was just three balls made of ice But they poured some scotch on his button lips, and then Boozy came to life There must have been some magic in that whisky glass they poured For when he got his first gold sip, well he robbed the liquor store Oh Boozy the Snowman, drank as much as he could find He'd pass out face first cause he was submersed in three bottles at a time Chugety Chug Chug, Chugety Chug Chug Look at Boozy drink Chugety Chug Chug, Chugety Chug Chug Puking in my sink	Boozy the Snowman, claimed he was a guy in need Beggin' for a buck at every car and truck. Said he had snowballs to feed While he was drinkin', Boozy's snowy liver popped But a kid named Grant did quick transplant With a shovel and a mop One day poor Boozy leaned against a glowing heater screen But instead of melting just a bit, he lit up like kerosene That's when our daddy, said that Boozy paid the price He was quite concerned that the children learned not to put - fine - scotch - on - ice!
I’ll be Drunk on Christmas
I'm dreaming tonight of a place I fear Even more than I usually do December is here and though family is dear I promise you I'll be drunk on Christmas You can count on this Mistletoe, above scotch rows Sweet bottles, I plan to kiss All the kids are screaming Throwing toy at me I'll be drunk on Christmas To cope with family I'll drink Scotch on Christmas As the others feast While the herd eats dried up bird I'll be sloshed by the tree Christmas Eve will find me Hiding from the glee I'll have Christmas spirit One-twenty ABV One-twenty ABV
You’re a Mean One, Whisky Grinch
You're a mean one, Whisky Grinch You're from a rotten cask Your liver's fully flooded and Your heart's an empty flask Whisky Grinch! You're a Japanese run Bowmore distilled in the '80s Loaded with soap! You're a blotto, Whisky Grinch You're hammered, sloshed, and pissed You threw bottles at your grandma 'Cause your shotgun pellets missed Whisky Grinch! I wouldn't dram with you for thirty nine and a half scotch malts You're a drunkard, Whisky Grinch You're a bitter bacchanal You've gone sottish with the Scottish And your throat's a booze canal Whisky Grinch! You're soul is a foul and blackened cesspool Filled with Loch Dhu	You've got an I-V, Whisky Grinch With liquor on the drip Your forehead's full of liver spots that fled the sinking ship Whisky Grinch! The three words that best describe you Are as follows, and I quote, "Drink, drank, drunk!" You're toxic, Whisky Grinch You're life's a scotch assault You're a binger twixt your benders And you've mixed your blended malt Whisky Grinch! If I had a choice between that crap you mixed, and you yourself I'd be guzzling up! You're always plastered, Whisky Grinch You really are a souse. You're a walking whisky wasteyard And a liquor sucking louse Whisky Grinch! You're a Famous Grouse, Cutty Sark, and Johnnie Red finished in a septic tank With Dewar's on top!